Today marks nine years since my mother’s passing.
contact sheet - July, 2013
In January of this year, I wanted to kill myself.
It is an odd feeling, depression. When I explain what it is like to grieve the loss of a parent, I compare it to building a jenga tower.
You spend your whole life building this tower in your mind of what your future looks like - each piece a plan, an event, a person, a dream - all fitting together to make a full, complete life. When a parent dies, a key piece is lost. Everything comes tumbling down and suddenly it's up to you to reimagine your life - to rebuild that tower in your mind WITHOUT that fundamental piece. Years of therapy and healing taught me so much about myself and helped me to build that tower back up, but still, that tower had holes.
October, 2013 - three months after my mother's death
Despite the healing I had done, the wound of depression festered.
It was only this year that I opened myself up to the idea of treating my depression with medication, and I only wish that openness had come sooner.
To those that have helped and encouraged me along the way, thank you. To those with wounds yet to heal, I am here to tell you there is no need to fear the stigma of antidepressants. Your mental health is worth it. My jenga tower is the strongest it’s been in years, and the future is looking brighter every day.
I shared the above on my social media account, and the responses I received left me in awe. It is never easy opening up in such a vulnerable way on the internet, but to be met with the overwhelming love and support and empathy that I did was humbling.
When I was at my lowest, the most powerful, impactful, comforting realization was that I was never really alone.
My hope in sharing my story is that someone else in that low place can see and hear and know that no matter what they are going through, there are people in their life that can understand.
Medication is by no means a cure-all, but the ways it can lighten the weight of depression and clear the fog in your mind are incredible. It it can take all of the self-work and healing you do in therapy to the next level. It can make getting out of bed a little bit easier. It can help settle the racing thoughts that can be so paralyzing. It can help make the task in front of you feel a little less daunting, and a little more doable.
Critically, medication can be temporary - you are not making a commitment to medicating for the rest of your life. There will very likely be a day when you no longer need the aid of an antidepressant.
Knowing that fact made the idea of exploring it as an option so much less scary to me.
The journey of depression is a long one and the weight is heavy. Consider all of the options available to lighten the load. The people you love will continue to be right there by your side.